Haiku & Other Poetry, tutto e niente

reflections on a creative block

alone with my thoughts 

blank ripples on the white space

the canvas whispers

sweet nothings to nobody 

my solitude unbroken

Claude Monet. The Studio Boat (Le Bateau-atelier), 1876, Oil on canvas.

Today’s challenge from dVerse asks us to do either of the below:

  1. You may write an ekphrastic poem inspired by Claude Monet’s “The Studio Boat.” Your poem does not need to include anything about reflecting or reflections, but it can. AND/OR
  2. You may write a poem on reflection, whatever that means to you—self-reflection, reflection on time’s passing, a reflection in a pool of water, etc.

I’ve been struggling with a bit of writers/creative block so this is my reflection on that unsettling feeling.

Visit the dVerse page for more info on the prompt:

Random Rants, tutto e niente

Block, Break, or Bail: A Follow Up Post

Greetings fellow writers and bloggers. I haven’t participated in Fandango’s Flashback challenge  for a while, so please enjoy my angst filled ramblings from December 4, 2018.  

Writing that Novel: Block, Break, or Bail?

November was NaNoWriMo. And many people in my sphere (be it virtual or irl) participated. Me? I went another route. I didn’t add a single word to my novel-in-progress. And as we enter December, I continue to not write. If this not-writing goes on much longer, it may necessitate a designation change from novel-in-progress to novel-not-in-progress. Seriously, how long can I say I’m working on it, if it’s sitting untouched in a drawer?

One week? One month? Six months? One year? Forever?

The most frustrating aspect of my current stall is that I’m not really sure what’s behind it. Am I having writer’s block? Did I just need a break? Or am I trying to tell myself it’s time to bail (or bale for my UK friends) on the project?

It (the stall) started innocently enough. I’m nearing the end of the first draft and I know it needs some work. Among other things, I’m not sure whether my original narrative structure is working. So in late October, I did two things to address these concerns. I asked my writing accountability partner (and published novelist) to read and comment on the entire manuscript. And I submitted some pages to a writer’s conference. In early-November, I was rejected by the conference, so no help from them. But that same week, I got an excellent critique from my accountability-partner reader. Her comments, criticisms, and suggestions were spot-on. But they also reaffirmed some of my concerns. Bottom line: it still needs a lot of work.

In my pre-fiction (and let’s be honest-my younger) writing days, I immediately would have been fired up by the feedback. I am (or was) one of those weird writers that really enjoys the process of editing and rewriting. Pulling apart, restructuring, fine-tuning—love(d) it all! But this time, the thought of all that ripping and rebuilding left me a bit exhausted. So I keep putting it off.

Thanksgiving. Magazine assignments. The weather is nice. Read blogs. Write haiku. All perfectly good reasons not to start back TODAY.

Tomorrow. I’ll start back tomorrow. I promise! (I said just last night.)

So this morning was going to be that tomorrow. I absolutely was going to open up my novel and get back to work. The timing was perfect. My magazine assignments were submitted. Today’s calendar was completely empty. It’s foggy and rainy outside. I was READY to go! Then I saw Teresa’s picture prompt. I am obsessed with monkeys. I LOVE them. They make me happy. And that fabulous photo was all my brain needed to “forget” my original plan. Monkey thoughts filled my mind. But even as the monkey endorphins pumped me up, I caught sight of the manuscript pile on my desk and guilt flooded out my happy monkey vibe.

Doubt returned. Seriously, was tomorrow ever going to come?

So I’m back to my questions.

BLOCK?

  • Am I just dealing with a bit of writer’s block? If so, I should just sit down and WRITE! Even if it’s crap and I delete it all, it will get my juices flowing. Just WRITE has always been a winning strategy.

BREAK?

  • Did I just need a break? That’s possible—I had been on an intense streak the prior few months. Lots of writing hours at the expense of other things. Maybe my brain and body are forcing me to reevaluate the notion of BALANCE. A lesson I’ve never been able to master. If so, I should stop beating myself up. Enjoy my leisure time. Write for my blog. Read for fun. Binge watch The Great British Baking Show. Happy ho ho ho and all that. And jump back into it in January.

BAIL?

  • Am I ready to bail? No! Or maybe yes. NO!!! I don’t know. Quit avoiding the question Tina! Which is it?
  1. OK. I’m such a pain in my own a$$. I’ll try to answer.

If I’m being honest (one of my fave Paul Hollywood phrases), I can’t claim to have writer’s block when I haven’t even tried to write. It’s not as if I’m staring at the screen with a blank mind. I haven’t even opened the document in over a month! But am I seriously thinking about bailing on the whole project? Do I really think that I could let it go? I don’t think so. (?) I’ve been working on it for over a year. I don’t think I’m ready to just dump a year’s worth of effort.

So?

I think (or maybe feel—not sure which is dominate at this point) that I’m committed to finishing it. I still like my basic idea. And I’m not afraid of hard work. But I have to be honest, I’m just not ready to jump back into right this minute. So maybe I’m just on a break?

I guess we’ll see in 2019.

UPDATE: That “break” has extended into what may be defined as “bail.” And again, I have abundant reasons (excuses). But, honestly, I’m OK with it. I’ve been enjoying the other writing I’m doing. And if the last few years of Trumpian hell and the last nine months of Covid-19 stress have taught me anything, it’s … well, hell I don’t know what it’s taught me except maybe to be kind to myself.

Plus here’s that awesome monkey picture that started the whole thing!  

monkeys-768641_1920

History, Random Rants, tutto e niente

Is that wallpaper moving or have murder hornets invaded (my mind)?!

Today, Fandango asks us to consider whether we think it’s premature for states to be lifting the stay-at-home, shelter-in-place, and social distancing restrictions? Or do you believe that it’s about time they were rescinded? Once they are removed, how quickly are you likely to resume living your life as you did in the pre-pandemic days?

Short answers:

YES!

NO!

Uhhhh … never?  

Read on for longer and possibly less coherent answers.

It might not be the best day for me to tackle provocative questions. Thanks to Susie Dent (@susie_dent over on Twitter) I now know that I am crapulent (decidedly hung over) AND (as confirmed by my mirror) crambazzled (prematurely aged from too much drink/food …).

covers_yellow-wallpaper

This self-diagnosis may explain my fuzzy vision and the buzzing in my head but these symptoms might also be a by-product of my anger/despair.

OR … NEWS FLASH the murder hornets have invaded!!

Seriously folks, I know I’m not the first to make this observation but the murder hornet thing is just one step too far! Giant insects that decapitate bees and then feed the bee’s thorax to their young! It’s too much. Haven’t bees suffered enough!? Or maybe it’s not just about the bees. Maybe Mother Earth decided that her quest to remove the worst invasive species of all (us) isn’t moving fast enough; thus the plague and the hornets.

But I digress … I was considering Fandango’s Provocative Questions and I promise this rambling screed will circle back to those questions!

I’m a writer. Normally, I write to earn money. But I also write for fun and catharsis and clarity … but lately (as in 55 days and counting), I’m struggling.

As Charlotte Perkins Gilman* noted:

Personally, I believe that congenial work, with excitement and change, would do me good.

But what is one to do?

I did write for a while in spite of them; but it does exhaust me a good deal—having to be so sly about it, or else meet with heavy opposition.

I sometimes fancy that in my condition if I had less opposition and more society and stimulus—but John says the very worst thing I can do is to think about my condition, and I confess it always makes me feel bad.

 I also want to “believe that congenial work, with excitement and change, would do me good” but I also know that those things could possibly kill me (or vice versa). Also, like Ms. Gilman’s tortured protagonist, every effort I make to write exhausts me. And to make matters worse, much of my “heavy opposition” seems to be coming from inside the house!

The “house” being the inside my own mind.

Luckily (HA! Sarcasm alert) my job I is on a “pause” so I don’t have deadlines but instead of using this time to work on my own stuff, I spend enormous amounts of time scrolling social media and ranting. Then I nap. I’m even struggling to maintain the concentration needed to read, so I’m re-reading old favorites instead of tackling my “to-read” pile. This strategy is what brought me back to an old school fave, Gilman’s The Yellow Wallpaper. As I re-read it, many of the passages resonated.

We have been here two weeks [or six plus weeks], and I haven’t felt like writing before, since that first day. 

I am sitting by the window now, up in this atrocious nursery, and there is nothing to hinder my writing as much as I please, save lack of strength. 

I think sometimes that if I were only well enough to write a little it would relieve the press of ideas and rest me.

But I find I get pretty tired when I try.

It is so discouraging not to have any advice and companionship about my work. 

I don’t feel as if it was worth while to turn my hand over for anything, and I’m getting dreadfully fretful and querulous.

I cry at nothing, and cry most of the time. 

  It makes me tired to follow it. I will take a nap, I guess.

So … my point is that (like many many people) I am desperate to get out of the house and return to my life.

To write. To dine out. To sit on a patio and have a glass of wine and watch the world go by. To wander around Target aimlessly for hours. TO BE!!!

But! But but but …SCIENCE!!!

The numbers continue to rise and we have insufficient testing. A vaccine is far in the future and we (as in the U.S.) are suffering under the so-called leadership of an incompetent and uncaring administration. As Gilman put it, I would “as soon put fire-works in my pillow-case as to let me have those stimulating people about now.” So, I’ll be staying in even though my state is beginning to “restart.

I hope I’m wrong. I hope that we don’t see a big spike in three to six weeks. But again … SCIENCE!

So, in conclusion, if a Real Genius tells me it’s OK then I’d consider reentering the world but as long as we’re stuck with the so-called “stable genius” I’m staying home!

Plus, murder hornets!

5c5ea04b-e8da-44e5-a442-287d8a03994c-large3x4_200503_cnn_giant_asian_murder_hornet

*On a side note, reading Gilman’s work today, brought Reena’s Exploration Challenge to use the phrase “outlasting the fickleness of fame” to mind. Like many figures from the past, Charlotte Perkins Gilman’s legacy is not straightforward. She is considered by many to be a feminist icon but her views on race are (to put it mildly) deeply problematic. So while I appreciate both her writing and her progressive ideas about women’s roles, her notion that some African Americans belonged in a system of enforced labor cannot be ignored. Some would argue that reassessing her legacy is “revisionist” and insist that historical figures should be allowed to “outlast the fickleness of fame.” We’re not supposed to dwell on the parts that might damage their (our) “exceptional” status. Nope. Charlotte Perkins Gilman is not Paris Hilton and interpreting her legacy in a truthful manner is more important than maintaining some a static idea of fame.

Real History: That’s Hot!

download (1)

Random Rants, tutto e niente

Writing that Novel: Block, Break, or Bail?

November was NaNoWriMo. And many people in my sphere (be it virtual or irl) participated. Me? I went another route. I didn’t add a single word to my novel-in-progress. And as we enter December, I continue to not write. If this not-writing goes on much longer, it may necessitate a designation change from novel-in-progress to novel-not-in-progress. Seriously, how long can I say I’m working on it, if it’s sitting untouched in a drawer?

One week? One month? Six months? One year? Forever?

The most frustrating aspect of my current stall is that I’m not really sure what’s behind it. Am I having writer’s block? Did I just need a break? Or am I trying to tell myself it’s time to bail (or bale for my UK friends) on the project?

It (the stall) started innocently enough. I’m nearing the end of the first draft and I know it needs some work. Among other things, I’m not sure whether my original narrative structure is working. So in late October, I did two things to address these concerns. I asked my writing accountability partner (and published novelist) to read and comment on the entire manuscript. And I submitted some pages to a writer’s conference. In early-November, I was rejected by the conference, so no help from them. But that same week, I got an excellent critique from my accountability-partner reader. Her comments, criticisms, and suggestions were spot-on. But they also reaffirmed some of my concerns. Bottom line: it still needs a lot of work.

In my pre-fiction (and let’s be honest-my younger) writing days, I immediately would have been fired up by the feedback. I am (or was) one of those weird writers that really enjoys the process of editing and rewriting. Pulling apart, restructuring, fine-tuning—love(d) it all! But this time, the thought of all that ripping and rebuilding left me a bit exhausted. So I keep putting it off.

Thanksgiving. Magazine assignments. The weather is nice. Read blogs. Write haiku. All perfectly good reasons not to start back TODAY.

Tomorrow. I’ll start back tomorrow. I promise! (I said just last night.)

So this morning was going to be that tomorrow. I absolutely was going to open up my novel and get back to work. The timing was perfect. My magazine assignments were submitted. Today’s calendar was completely empty. It’s foggy and rainy outside. I was READY to go! Then I saw Teresa’s picture prompt. I am obsessed with monkeys. I LOVE them. They make me happy. And that fabulous photo was all my brain needed to “forget” my original plan. Monkey thoughts filled my mind. But even as the monkey endorphins pumped me up, I caught sight of the manuscript pile on my desk and guilt flooded out my happy monkey vibe.

Doubt returned. Seriously, was tomorrow ever going to come?

So I’m back to my questions.

BLOCK?

  • Am I just dealing with a bit of writer’s block? If so, I should just sit down and WRITE! Even if it’s crap and I delete it all, it will get my juices flowing. Just WRITE has always been a winning strategy.

BREAK?

  • Did I just need a break? That’s possible—I had been on an intense streak the prior few months. Lots of writing hours at the expense of other things. Maybe my brain and body are forcing me to reevaluate the notion of BALANCE. A lesson I’ve never been able to master. If so, I should stop beating myself up. Enjoy my leisure time. Write for my blog. Read for fun. Binge watch The Great British Baking Show. Happy ho ho ho and all that. And jump back into it in January.

BAIL?

  • Am I ready to bail? No! Or maybe yes. NO!!! I don’t know. Quit avoiding the question Tina! Which is it?

OK. OK. I’m such a pain in my own a$$. I’ll try to answer.

If I’m being honest (one of my fave Paul Hollywood phrases), I can’t claim to have writer’s block when I haven’t even tried to write. It’s not as if I’m staring at the screen with a blank mind. I haven’t even opened the document in over a month! But am I seriously thinking about bailing on the whole project? Do I really think that I could let it go? I don’t think so. (?) I’ve been working on it for over a year. I don’t think I’m ready to just dump a year’s worth of effort.

So?

I think (or maybe feel—not sure which is dominate at this point) that I’m committed to finishing it. I still like my basic idea. And I’m not afraid of hard work. But I have to be honest, I’m just not ready to jump back into right this minute. So maybe I’m just on a break?

I guess we’ll see in 2019.

Any words of wisdom or support from the blogosphere will be welcomed! Meanwhile enjoy these adorables.

monkeys-768641_1920 Thanks to The Haunted Wordsmith for the wonderful monkeys. I don’t blame you for my continued procrastination 😉

And to FOWC prompt of leisure. Maybe it’s karma’s way of saying that taking a break is OK!