“The opportunity of a lifetime passed before him as he tried to decide between a cone or a cup.” The thought should probably terrify him.
The woman waiting to scoop his mint chocolate chip (or possibly pistachio) ice cream had actually said “it’s not the opportunity of a lifetime. Pick one.”
She had laughed as she said it, but he could feel life passing him by as he dithered, yet again.
If he was keeping score (which he was) this was the 17th time today he had agonized over an arguably simple decision. Eventually he decided by not deciding. Instead, he walked away empty handed.
He knew why he was spinning in circles: he needed to make what was probably the biggest decision of his life.
As he slid the key into the lock, he made a promise to himself: “I will decide today. Or maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow might be better. But definitely this week. Probably.”
I originally wrote this way back in June of 2018 but it still (sadly) fits my mood AND although it may be bending the rules a bit to use an old piece, it (more happily) perfectly fits Linda’s final JusJoJan prompt “chaos”.
Thanks Linda. Sorry I wasn’t more present in January but … well you know. CHAOS.
November was NaNoWriMo. And many people in my sphere (be it virtual or irl) participated. Me? I went another route. I didn’t add a single word to my novel-in-progress. And as we enter December, I continue to not write. If this not-writing goes on much longer, it may necessitate a designation change from novel-in-progress to novel-not-in-progress. Seriously, how long can I say I’m working on it, if it’s sitting untouched in a drawer?
One week? One month? Six months? One year? Forever?
The most frustrating aspect of my current stall is that I’m not really sure what’s behind it. Am I having writer’s block? Did I just need a break? Or am I trying to tell myself it’s time to bail (or bale for my UK friends) on the project?
It (the stall) started innocently enough. I’m nearing the end of the first draft and I know it needs some work. Among other things, I’m not sure whether my original narrative structure is working. So in late October, I did two things to address these concerns. I asked my writing accountability partner (and published novelist) to read and comment on the entire manuscript. And I submitted some pages to a writer’s conference. In early-November, I was rejected by the conference, so no help from them. But that same week, I got an excellent critique from my accountability-partner reader. Her comments, criticisms, and suggestions were spot-on. But they also reaffirmed some of my concerns. Bottom line: it still needs a lot of work.
In my pre-fiction (and let’s be honest-my younger) writing days, I immediately would have been fired up by the feedback. I am (or was) one of those weird writers that really enjoys the process of editing and rewriting. Pulling apart, restructuring, fine-tuning—love(d) it all! But this time, the thought of all that ripping and rebuilding left me a bit exhausted. So I keep putting it off.
Thanksgiving. Magazine assignments. The weather is nice. Read blogs. Write haiku. All perfectly good reasons not to start back TODAY.
Tomorrow. I’ll start back tomorrow. I promise! (I said just last night.)
So this morning was going to be that tomorrow. I absolutely was going to open up my novel and get back to work. The timing was perfect. My magazine assignments were submitted. Today’s calendar was completely empty. It’s foggy and rainy outside. I was READY to go! Then I saw Teresa’s picture prompt. I am obsessed with monkeys. I LOVE them. They make me happy. And that fabulous photo was all my brain needed to “forget” my original plan. Monkey thoughts filled my mind. But even as the monkey endorphins pumped me up, I caught sight of the manuscript pile on my desk and guilt flooded out my happy monkey vibe.
Doubt returned. Seriously, was tomorrow ever going to come?
So I’m back to my questions.
BLOCK?
Am I just dealing with a bit of writer’s block? If so, I should just sit down and WRITE! Even if it’s crap and I delete it all, it will get my juices flowing. Just WRITE has always been a winning strategy.
BREAK?
Did I just need a break? That’s possible—I had been on an intense streak the prior few months. Lots of writing hours at the expense of other things. Maybe my brain and body are forcing me to reevaluate the notion of BALANCE. A lesson I’ve never been able to master. If so, I should stop beating myself up. Enjoy my leisure time. Write for my blog. Read for fun. Binge watch The Great British Baking Show. Happy ho ho ho and all that. And jump back into it in January.
BAIL?
Am I ready to bail? No! Or maybe yes. NO!!! I don’t know. Quit avoiding the question Tina! Which is it?
OK. OK. I’m such a pain in my own a$$. I’ll try to answer.
If I’m being honest (one of my fave Paul Hollywood phrases), I can’t claim to have writer’s block when I haven’t even tried to write. It’s not as if I’m staring at the screen with a blank mind. I haven’t even opened the document in over a month! But am I seriously thinking about bailing on the whole project? Do I really think that I could let it go? I don’t think so. (?) I’ve been working on it for over a year. I don’t think I’m ready to just dump a year’s worth of effort.
So?
I think (or maybe feel—not sure which is dominate at this point) that I’m committed to finishing it. I still like my basic idea. And I’m not afraid of hard work. But I have to be honest, I’m just not ready to jump back into right this minute. So maybe I’m just on a break?
I guess we’ll see in 2019.
Any words of wisdom or support from the blogosphere will be welcomed! Meanwhile enjoy these adorables.
Thanks to The Haunted Wordsmith for the wonderful monkeys. I don’t blame you for my continued procrastination 😉
And to FOWC prompt of leisure. Maybe it’s karma’s way of saying that taking a break is OK!
I love the word “saucy.” It’s a great stand-in for sassy (when that feels like it cheapens the meaning) or rude (when that feels too aggressive or offensive). It’s a perfect descriptor for my growing suspicion that I’ve tricked myself yet again into wasting untold hours when I should have been writing!
See I’m doing it again. Nibbling at the edges instead of getting right to it (or should I say WRITE to it)?
PROCRASTINATION!
I didn’t used to procrastinate. I was one of those annoying “always get things done early” kind of gals. But then I entered academia and everything changed. Or should I say grading changed everything. Like most of my teaching colleagues, I developed surefire strategies to avoid it. These strategies may have not been super imaginative but they were reliable. For example, if I had 180 essay exams to grade, then I would realize that I NEEDED to vacuum the entire house. Or if I had a pile of research papers waiting to be read, then clearly it was time to wipe down all the wooden baseboards and trim with orange oil. The pattern was predictable. If you saw me hand-washing and polishing all the wine glasses then you knew that I had 62 primary source analysis projects to grade. I’d do almost any kind of cleaning to avoid the RED pencil!
Photo by Chris Chadd on Pexels.com
But those were simpler times. These days, I’m not just avoiding grading. Now I fancy myself a “writer.” So I’m no longer simply sidestepping the moment when I must read students’ writing. I’m eluding my own. Deadlines approach and my mind fills with existential despair and a certainty that my writing (thus my life) has no real purpose. So now, procrastination must fill the hole created by a self-imposed crisis that grows deeper each day. And simple cleaning no longer suffices.
Or maybe I’m just lazy. I do like to just hang. So maybe ….
Nope. I’m sticking with existential crisis. Sounds more writer-like.
So back to my story of procrastination addiction. Among other things, I am currently writing a novel. I’m about 80-90% done with a good draft which means that it’s about time for that despair to start kicking in. I don’t have an agent or a contract so the only deadline I face is my own. (And the fact that it’s a timely kind of story in some ways so I’d like to get it out there into the world while we still have a world.) But the sight of a finish line (even if it’s self-imposed) fills me with a growing panic. Enter procrastination 2.0.
This version began this past weekend. My magazine assignment work was finished and submitted. (I always get these things done early. Mmmmm. Interesting. I wonder what Freud would say about that?) This meant that I had about three weeks I could devote almost entirely to working on the novel. So much writing could be accomplished! I just needed to make myself a cup of coffee and the writing could commence!!
But wait … my coffee cup is so stained on the bottom and sides that I’m not sure it it’s clean. How can I concentrate if I think I’m drinking from a tainted mug? Maybe I should hand-wash all the cups. There’s only six of them so that’ll just take a few minutes and then it’s time to WRITE! (I know this sounds like the tried-and-true cleaning strategy but just wait. It escalates.)
So out they all come. Soak in hot soapy water. Scrub. Scrub. Scrub. The stains won’t budge. And now I’m obsessing over another facet of the supposedly clean (albeit stained) mugs, which leads to the following conversation with my ever-loving always patient husband.
Photo by Zun Zun on Pexels.com
Me: “Is it just me or do they have a weird smell when you stick your noise in them?”
Spouse: “Uuh. I don’t usually stick my nose in the cup.”
Me: “then smell it” (as I aggressively stick the cup in his face)
Spouse: “Ummm. I don’t smell anything but if you do then …”
Me: “Can the coating on stoneware come off?
Spouse: “I don’t …”
Me: “Maybe we’re drinking mold!?”
Spouse: “I don’t …”
Me: “If it’s mold, it will make us sick!!”
Spouse: (Wisely responding) “I don’t know that it’s really mold but if you’re worried then we can always get new mugs.”
This leads to some random googling to determine if we can get sick drinking from the mugs if the coating has indeed worn off (no definitive answer found) interspersed with a search for new coffee mugs in “fun” colors. The unsuccessful google rabbit-hole search for “fun” colored mugs consumes minute after minute after hour so by the time I emerge it’s nearly noon.
So our plan for the rest of the day is now clear. We must go out for lunch and then maybe go by Bed, Bath & Beyond and look for new coffee mugs! I’ve got a stack of 20% off coupons waiting to be used! And oh yeh speaking of coupons, we have a coupon for 20% off at the wine store so maybe we should do that while we’re out too.
Fast forward to BB&B: found the perfect coffee mugs! Sturdy. Big handles. I like to be able to put my whole hand around the handle—none of those tiny little two-finger handles for me. Pretty colors. On sale. We only had six mugs before but maybe we should get eight of these? Sometimes I have to get one out of the dishwasher before it’s been run. This way, we’ve always got clean ones. Good plan. Or Nine! That’s three of each color. So yes. Nine it is. OK let’s go. But wait. Now that I’m here I’m realizing that I’m hosting book club next month and I’m not sure we have six wine glasses? Maybe we should get this box of four? They’re on sale. Plus coupons!
OK that crisis has been solved. One more stop at the wine store yields a case of wine (at 20% off!!) But by the time we finish all of this shopping the day is nearly gone. Too late to write today.
Plus I should check out one of these new bottles!
But tomorrow I’m on it!!
Tomorrow comes.
I’ve made myself a cup of coffee in one my new mugs. All is right with the world. Time to write. Well maybe first I should empty the dishwasher. I know. I know. I usually load and my loving spouse unloads but I’m standing right here and it will only take a minute. Wait. What? Oh no! We seem to have a bit of problem. These mugs are much bigger than the old ones and our cabinets are really small. I can only fit four of them in!!! And that’s not all—I can’t find any place to put these four new wineglasses!! Crisis!!!
Obviously I can’t write with this hanging over my head. Husband is looped into the new crisis. And once he understands the seriousness of the problem, we can proceed with the task at hand: a complete reorganizing of the cabinets. Everything must come out. Decisions must be made. Keep. Donate. Trash. This takes the better part of the midday so once again, it’s not really a good time to just get started. I’m really a morning person so I’m never going to be able to get into a good writing rhythm if I just start now.
Tomorrow. I will write tomorrow.
OK it’s tomorrow. Let’s go! But oh no I have a problem! I realize that I haven’t finished the book for Monday’s book club. I clearly can’t be that kind of club member. I’m a writer! (Plus I picked the book and must bring the discussion questions.)
So today I read. But tomorrow. Tomorrow I will write.
Another tomorrow. Oh wait I forgot that I’m getting my hair done today. If I start writing then I’ll just have to stop in mid-thought and I hate that! Plus I really need to spend time looking for suggestions for next month’s book club book.
But tomorrow. Tomorrow is THE DAY!
Morning has broken … and damn it’s pretty out there today. What? The spouse is going to the beach! No. I’ve got to write. Well… Wait. Maybe it will get my head in a good space if I got to the beach. A nice beach walk is good for the brain. Okay. I’m in.
But tomorrow. Tomorrow I will write a minimum of 1500 words! I will get through the next section. I will conquer!!
Tomorrow arrives early with a sore throat, cough, and a stuffy head. Bingo! I have procrastinated myself into a horrible horrible summer cold. Can’t breathe. Can’t think. Can’t write.
OK that’s a sign. I’ll work on a haiku this morning and then get started on the novel. Hours pass. Haiku done. I like it! But I’m so tired. Being sick is exhausting. No more today. But …
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I AM getting back to the novel.
Tomorrow comes. The sun rises. My mind is clicking. Coffee brewed. MacBook open. Ready to open up the novel draft. Laughing to myself as I think about all the ways I’ve avoided it this last ten days or so. Wait a minute. Procrastination! That might make a slightly amusing blog post. But I promised I’d work on the book today! But this is kind a timely idea. If I work on the book and then write about procrastination will it feel authentic? I WILL have procrastinated on writing about procrastination—is that good enough to justify waiting?
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OK. I’ll take a few minutes and jot down some ideas. BUT. TOMORROW!!!!
Tomorrow I write.
Unless … Oh no! There’s that saucy suspicion again!
How about y’all? Do you procrastinate? What’s your best method? Any ideas on how to avoid it?
Thanks to 
Tina Stewart Brakebill 